Doubts
by GeekCat
Summary: After her Styler breaks and her Partner leaves, Kate begins to have doubts.
1. Chapter 1

Kate easily captured the Blastoise of Vein Forest, the same one as she had caught when she was just a rookie trying to keep calm during a forest fire. Kate always kept calm, always tried to think clearly and see a solution. She even managed to do it in a crisis, although nowadays, there was hardly a crisis in Almia. Ever since Operation Brighton, the most the Rangers had to deal with were simple quests and patrols.

Kate finished her final loop, and the Blastoise instantly became friendly. Kate gave a small smile, and gave her partner Pachirisu a quick scratch behind the ear, figuring that she should circle the forest one more time before reporting that everything was alright there.

As she turned to leave, though, she was struck from behind!

As her Styler's energy dropped, she swung around to see what had hit her. Luckily, Ranger outfits were specially made to deal with damage, so the worst she had gotten was bruises.

Finding herself face-to-face with another Blastoise, she fired up her Styler, taking a deep breath. There was supposed to be just one Blastoise in this area! Deep breath. One of the Wartortle must have evolved. As she began to capture it, though, she was hit from behind again.

When she saw a second Blastoise, she felt panic bubbling within her. She took a large breath, while frantically counting, trying to push it back. She could do this.

Kate first tried to capture them without Assists, but the Pokémon were clever. They wouldn't go near each other, and when she attempted to capture one, the other would attack her.

As her Styler beeped to tell her it was at half energy, Kate had to take another deep breath. She flipped open the panel to activate her Poké Assists, and selected her partner. Pachirisu hopped of her shoulder, ready for action. Kate figured that after stunning the two, they would be easy to capture.

She was wrong. For just the second her Styler was in position near the Pokémon to allow Pachirisu's electricity to strike, they would manage to attack and disrupt it. After the time frame of the Poké Assist had run out, her Styler began beeping frantically to say it was dangerously low.

Kate was filled with not just panic, but fear. The same fear Darkrai reminded her of as she had confronted it. The fear of failing as a Ranger, of being a disgrace. She should run, and she tried to, but her legs refused to move.

As she was hit with a pounding stream of water, she heard her Styler pop and fizzle. When the water had stopped, she could see that its screen was blank, and smoke poured out of it.

She watched as the Blastoise she had just captured dashed to the other two, wondering if they would strike her down together. However, she was once again wrong.

She watched as the Blastoise that had left her nuzzled the two lovingly, with the air of a parent greeting its child. The three of them ignored her, watching off to the marsh.

She heard the Staraptor she had with her cry out, then turn and fly into the sky. Kate turned to her last Pokémon left, her partner.

She and Pachirisu locked eyes, with something filling her partner's eyes that she couldn't describe. Pachirisu turned away from her quickly and ran into the forest. Kate was left with an outstretched hand towards the woods, a plea to wait on her lips.

Kate found herself sitting on the ground, a numbness filling her body. She kept looking between her broken Styler and the gap in the trees where her partner had run. A bystander would think she was trying to puzzle things out, but internally, Kate couldn't think of anything.

"So there are now three Blastoise in Vein Forest," stated Professor Hastings. Kate nodded in conformation. "Hmm." He began to pace back and forth. After a few seconds, he turned to face Kate again. "Your Styler might take a while to repair, as we aren't used to repairing broken Vatonage Stylers." Kate nodded again, in understanding. "So why don't you take the next few days off? Go see your family. We will send someone to get you when your Styler is fixed."

Kate nodded, and left the conference room. On her way out, she ran into Wendy. "Hey! You okay, Kate?" Kate nodded once more. "Good. I was worried when I was told the your Styler signal went missing, so of course I didn't hesitate to swing by to check on you." Kate lowered her eyes to the floor.

"Hey. Don't worry about it," said Wendy softly. Kate looked up to see her give a small smile. "Just think of it as like a vacation." Kate nodded hesitantly. Wendy gave a larger smile. "Do you want we to give you a ride home?" asked Wendy. Kate nodded again, though more eagerly than last time.

As they climbed onto the back of Wendy's Staraptor after they had left the Union, Kate thought of her own partner Pokémon. Why did they run off? Had they only stayed with her because of the Styler? Before Kate knew it, they had arrived in Chicole Village, and she had no answers to her questions.

"See you later, Kate!" called Wendy as she flew off, leaving Kate in front of her house. Kate's first instinct was to run to the Save Machine and back up her Styler data, sending it to the Union, but stopped herself as she remembered that the reason for her constant usage of the machines had happened.

She next wanted to go to Partner Farm, were her dad likely was, but for some reason the idea of seeing her partners caused her stomach to tie into a knot. She wondered if they would even be there.

Kate took deep breaths again, to push back whatever feeling it was she was feeling. She walked up to the door and knocked, trying to push the negative thoughts away. She felt a smile form on her face as her little sister answered the door, her sister's face forming one as well.

"Mom, mom, Big sister's home!" she cried happily. She dashed back into the house, Kate following her inside. She was greeted warmly by her mother. "Hello, dear." She noticed that Kate wasn't wearing her Styler. "What happened, dear?"

After Kate explained her situation, her mother nodded. "I understand. Maybe you should go upstairs and rest." Her little sister frowned "Aw, but I wanted to play with big sister!" she whined. Her mother smiled at her younger daughter, and said, "Why don't you go see if your dad needs any help?" "Okay, mom!," her little sister perked up at the idea and raced out the door.

Kate walked up the stairs, thanking her mom. "Its no trouble. Just get some rest." As Kate entered her room, she noticed how, even when taken care of, her room showed signs of being unused. The spines of books had a thin layer of dust on them, as did the Wii controlers. Kate collapsed onto her bed, not even bothering to take her boots off, and attempted to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, sleep didn't come. Every time she closed her eyes, Kate would see the three Blastoise greeting each other warmly, like she had come between a family, and the Staraptor flying away from her as though they had to get away desperately.

The memory that had hurt Kate the most, however, was when Pachirisu had looked up at her. Kate's memory was fuzzy, and she still couldn't tell what emotion filled her partner's eyes. She felt a pang in her heart as she remembered how her beloved friend and partner ran away from her.

Kate sat up, knowing she wouldn't be able to fall asleep. She walked over to her bookshelf, though as she skimmed through its contents, her mind was on other matters. She felt hardly anything when her Friend Pokémon left, but her Partner was important to her. She had been with Pachirisu more often than any of her Partner Pokémon, and fondly remembered the day they had met. Even though she was still in school, she had felt a bond with the Electric-type, even though they couldn't be partners.

Kate numbly selected a book from the shelf without reading the title, remembering when she and Pachirisu officially became partners. Back then, she had still been a quiet person, but smiled widely at the sight of the Pokémon, and had knelt down to embrace them, giving then a small scratch behind the ear as she did so.

Kate smiled at the memory of the small creature's soft fur, and pleasantly warm body, but that smile fell as she realized she couldn't remember any other time she had hugged her partner like that. The only affections she could recall giving Pachirisu were small ones, like scratches behind the ears or pats on the head. She tried to remember giving her other partners affection, but she could only remember giving small ones, most of them absentmindedly.

Kate laid back onto her bed, which she had been sitting on, trying to dismiss her lack of memory as having been caused by her stress. Leaning back, she opened the book she had chosen to try to forget about the stress.

For most Pokémon, a scratch behind the ears is enjoyable, though if done to often, may lose meaning. Therefore, it is important to do more than- Kate quickly closed the book, now looking at its title, Important Pokémon Affections. Kate slid the book back to its place on the shelf, deciding to find a book that didn't voice her inner thoughts.

She skimmed past Pokémon picture books, graphic novels, and guides before finding a novel, Dragonite Rider. She picked it up with a smile, as it had been her favorite childhood book, having read it many times when she was just a child, before she even came to Almia. She sat down on her bed, already having opened the book, ready to read the wonderful book again.

"Kate! Dinner's ready!," her mom called from upstairs. Kate placed a bookmark in her book quickly, announcing that she was coming. She had been so engrossed by the novel that she hadn't noticed the sun dipping lower and lower into the sky. As she headed downstairs, she smelled an aroma that was familiar and homely, making her recall pleasant memories of tasting the dish from which the smell came.

Finally downstairs, she saw her mom setting the table with four bowls of vegetable stew. "Dear, could you go get your dad and sister? They have been at the farm all day." Kate nodded, and dashed out to fetch her family.

She saw her dad give birdseed to Starly, and her sister playing with Mime Jr., who was imitating the young girl's movements. "Big sister! Your Pokémon are really fun! Come play!" This caused her dad to chuckle. "I'm sure the Pokémon would love to play with both of you," he said with a smile.

Kate felt tempted. She could approach her Pokémon, prove that Pachirisu had run from the situation, not her, that she was truly friends with her partners. But what if they shied away from her, without her Styler, in front of her family.

Kate shook her head to decline, and told the two that dinner was ready. Her sister was disappointed at having to stop playing, and her dad wore a grin, making a comment on his hunger and how he could smell mom cooking in the house.

Kate's stomach growled at the thought of her mom's stew, but was mostly filled with relief that she had avoided a possible bad situation. She wasn't sure how her partners would feel about her, since her Styler was gone now. She frowned as she remembered that Pachirisu hadn't been there. Where could they have gone?

She pushed those thoughts away during the dinner, distracting herself with the taste of vegetable stew and the idle chatter of her family. After Kate had said what it was like being a Ranger in the time of peace, leaving out her current thoughts, her sister announced, "I want to be just like you when I grow up, big sister!," making the motions of using a Styler.

Though she made the same encouragements as her parents, Kate's felt almost forced. Just like her? She hadn't told any of her family yet how Pachirisu had left, and had certainly not mentioned the negative thoughts running through her head. She began to panic when her sister asked her where Pachirisu was at, almost seeming to read her mind. She took a deep breath after having taken a bite of stew, and told her family that her partner was resting at the Union.

Her sister seemed disappointed at not getting to play with the cute Pokémon, and her dad expressed how he had hoped to see her partner as well, saying that he had found treats for the Electric-type. Her mom, however, gave Kate a questioning look, sensing that her daughter's words were untrue. Kate took a large spoonful of stew, trying to keep the guilt off her face.

When her sister asked if they could play with Kate's Pokémon after supper, Kate faked a yawn and said she was too tired, and that maybe they could play tomorrow. Her sister was unhappy, but gulped down the remainder of her stew rapidly, running out the door as soon as she was finished. Both Kate and her parents finished a minute later. Her dad went outside, saying he was taking his evening walk, and her mom began washing dishes.

Kate offered to help, but her mom turned her offer down, saying, "You should rest." She headed up stairs to do so, trying not to appear guilty over her lies. Once in her bedroom, she picked up Dragonite Rider and continued reading it.

By the time she finished, the sun had already set, and the full moon shone down, with stars sprinkling the black sky beside it. She could hear her sister insist that she wasn't tired, and that she wanted to stay up later, and both her mom and dad insisting that she get ready for bed.

Kate, deciding she should sleep, changed into comfortable pajamas, ones that were sky blue and had some red and white ball patterned all over them. She brushed her teeth, and ran her fingers through her loose hair to check for knots, scratching her scalp with her nails.

She told both her parents goodnight, giving them kisses on the cheek, and told her sister, who was unhappily dressed in a nightgown with a Pikachu on front, goodnight as well, giving her a long hug and kiss on the forehead. Smiling, she cocooned herself in her bedsheets, and prepared for a peaceful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Kate didn't know where she was, but she saw all her Partner Pokémon and figured they might be able to help her. However, whenever she approached them, they backed away from her, wearing looks of anger and disgust. Her family members watched the sight, looking disappointed in her. "Is this what you are, big sister?" her little sister called out with a sneer.

Kate was suddenly in front of Chairperson Erma and Professor Hastings, who looked down on her. "Kate, we don't think you should be a Pokémon Ranger anymore." Rhythimi came out suddenly, handing Kate a smashed, smoking Styler. "I thought you could do better," her friend said coldly.

Kate turned, and found herself on the roof of the Union. She saw Wendy and Sven scoff at her, turning and flying away on Staraptor. Kate felt overwhelmed, and felt her eyes sting, but tried to calm down. Deep breath. Deep breath.

She was suddenly scooped up by another Ranger on a Staraptor. Kate's nerves calmed when she saw Keith, who gave her a look of concern rather than disdain. Pachirisu popped over her friend's shoulder, and she reached out to pet her trusted partner.

As her fingers reached closer, though, her worries began to whisper in the back of her mind again. As if on cue, Pachirisu bit down on her fingers, then turned and dashed into the sky. Kate reached out to catch the Pokémon, but her fingers passed through the creature, and the image faded away.

Kate took in more deep breaths, looking to Keith to find happiness again. However, the look on her friend's face, filled with anger and disgust with her, shook her to her core. "You deserve this," he said with malice, pushing her off the Staraptor and disappearing.

Kate was waiting to hit the ground, but feeling only nothingness, opened her eyes. She would have prefered to hit the ground rather than see what she did. She was back on top of the tower, shadows writhing over the sides, trapping her. Darkrai looked over her, and she instinctively grabbed at her wrist where her Styler was, only to find it bare.

She glanced down to see that not only was her Styler missing, but that instead of her Ranger uniform, she wore simple civilian clothing. She looked at Darkrai and willed herself to not panic. Deep breath. Deep breath. She had to get out of here, but the shadows wouldn't give way when she tried to push through. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Darkrai made a cry that sounded like laughter, and Kate saw darkness expand beneath her feet, pulling her in. She struggled, both with the void and her panic.

Deep breath. Her knees had gotten pulled in. Deep breath. Half of her torso was in the void now. Deep breath. Her arms were pulled in. Deep breath. Her head went under and she couldn't breathe deep breath but she couldn't she was drowning and trashing and she had to get out-

Kate jolted awake, pulling her face away from the bedsheets that had been wrapped around it. She took in quick puffs of breath, letting a scream die at the back of her throat. She swiped her palms across her eyes, finding the hint of newly formed tears, which mingled with the cold sweat that was spread across her skin.

Once she had calmed her nerves, Kate crept downstairs, trying not to wake anyone up. In the kitchen, she poured herself a glass of milk, gulping it down to ease her throat, using the creamy taste to push away the memory of the nightmare. After quickly downing the drink, Kate washed it in the sink, thinking about what she should do now.

She couldn't go back to sleep, even if she wanted to. She couldn't watch TV or play video games without waking her family, and the only book in the house she was interested in at the moment, she had just finished. Reading a newspaper or magazine would only entertain her for a short time.

The only thing left she could think of was to take a walk. She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote a quick note saying that see couldn't sleep and went outside to take a walk, in case anyone woke up before she did. Leaving the note in plain sight on the table, she opened the door and left the house.

It was a clear, crisp night. Kate took deep breaths, though they were more to enjoy the clean air in her lungs than be a calming action. She realized that she had forgotten to put shoes on, but enjoyed the feeling of the grass on her bare feet, so decided she was fine without them.

As she took steps forward, into the light of an almost-full moon, she realized she didn't know where to head. Staying in Chicole Village could wake her family's neighbors, and going to Veintown would likely have the same result. As she thought her feet lead her to the one place she could go before her mind thought of it.

At Partner Farm, her partners were all sleeping in close proximity to each other, possibly for companionship rather than warmth, as though the night was crisp, it was not cold, not even to the human that lacked the fur, feathers, and other various insulation the Pokémon had. She approached the slumbering creatures, reaching out to a peaceful Munchlax, thinking of running her fingers through its fur, to give affection to it, to console herself that her partners wouldn't leave her.

As she brushed her fingers through its green fur, Munchlax began to awaken. Kate found herself kneeling down and wrapping her arms around the Normal-type, seeking comfort as the thought of her partners leaving her returned. Without thinking she spoke in a soft voice, asking her partner if she was good enough. Munchlax, sensing her distress, patted the Ranger's head.

Kate felt tears come, but willed herself not to cry. The memory of Pachirisu running away came back to her, and she again asked if she was good enough. Munchlax just keep patting her head. Kate tried smile, telling herself that her partner cared, but the question of whether she was good enough rang through her head again.

She couldn't remember giving more affection then this to any of her partners, other than the reunion between her and Pachirisu. Even if her memory was failing her, she was certain that she had never shown affections to her Friend Pokémon, simply capturing them for a purpose, then simply dismissing them once the task was done.

Even the affection she gave now was hollow, as she realized she was seeking to comfort herself, rather than think of the Pokémon in her arms, who was now wrapping their arms around her torso. Her heart felt heavy when it caught up to her how selfish she was right now, and had been.

Kate pulled Munchlax's arms off of her gently, giving it a scratch behind the ear and whispering her thanks. Munchlax simply smiled up at her as she stood, and repositioned himself near the other Pokémon. Kate walked back to the house, her limbs suddenly feeling like weights, her mind in a fog. She mechanically crumpled up her note and tossed it into the trash, and headed upstairs in the same way.

As she lay on her bed, instead of worrying about the opinions her Pokémon, family, and friends, she could only think of one thing. Was she good enough for them?


End file.
